Would I do it all over again?

The uneasy beginnings of a life long dream called Gaia Reborn

Second half of August of 2023 started few days ago. It has rained buckets today and I feel the nice fresh concrete floor of my outside kitchen with my bare feet. It is so smooth and even. It also has no mud on it. How would I explain to anyone that this feeling brings me so much satisfaction? It is one of the very many simple things that I used to take for granted and now I appreciate every moment of it.

It has been 2 years and almost two months since I rolled into the village with my impressive BMW SUV packed to the roof with my former life in Playa del Carmen. I didn't know a thing about building a project or living in a Mexican village. Maybe I thought that it is going to be easy. I felt strong and with abundant with experience thanks to my life of adventure that has brought me to the edge many times. Maybe I didn't think much about it at all. I just took it all head on in the same way as I always took all my spontaneous and completely life-changing decisions. Clearly demonstrated by my decision to buy land, move and build in an area of Mexico that I have known for less than 24 hours. But I had no idea how hard it is going to be.

I look around the outdoor kitchen adjacent to my house. It is a beautiful breezy night and the warm light of light bulbs bathes the space. Crickets are singing the usual symphony. Frogs are taking it easy with a low key croaking. Few raindrops are drumming on the roof. The roof has no holes in it and it still kept its nice English red color. The walls are nice and white. There is a cinnamon tea getting hot on the gas stove. The wood-fire chimney made from red clay bricks looks very pretty in the corner. There is a modem with cable internet on a shelf. It twinkles its green eyes on me. The black kitten in my lap is purring. His name is Pantera and he is ridiculously cute. His other three siblings are sleeping behind the fridge. Everything looks in its right place. Neat and peaceful. Very peaceful. This small illuminated area around me reminds me of many things we didn't have in July 2021 when I walked in this gate-less mudhole with my first employee, my good man Polo. We didn't even have electricity to type words on this laptop.

Would I do it all over again if some unseen force took me back two years in time? First answer that comes to mind is an immediate no. Remembering the feeling of total desperation, many failures, obstacles, challenges, betrayals... But then, this place does start to feel like home. I wanted to leave it all behind countless times when things became unbearable, deep in my hopelessness. But if I left it now, I would miss it terribly. So maybe I would do it all over again. But sure as heaven and mama God knows I speak the truth- I would do it in a completely different way.

There are no errors if the lesson is learned they say. There are no mistakes it is all just learning they say. As much as I don't like clichés and sayings I feel the truth in these words that before I just echoed. I have learned so much since Gaia Reborn became my baby-project but it is hard to let go of the feeling that I made tons of mistakes. Last two years has been a crash course of real life for me. A scarred dog like me who has been making a way though life the rough solo way since teenage years. An ex-soldier who wandered corners of this place some call Earth that few go to. In his forties, years after he discovered his life purpose in the magic of visual art, makes a killing in investments, sells art worldwide, feels invincible but still doesn't feel at home anywhere, rolls into a tiny Mexican village, buys an abandoned coffee plantation and gets his ego and ass kicked so diligently that he feels like a struggling teenager all over again. Life of Jan, no shit.

It is a peaceful night of August. 19th to be precise. Cool breeze is playing with my long hair. It's still technically summer, but the nights are getting fresh. Crickets didn't ease up from their racket one tiny bit and frogs kept the same easy tempo although they changed to a lower tune. A bag of my own organic sun-dried coffee is lying on a clean kitchen floor. We need to take out the pieces of dry pulp out of it that the machine didn't catch. That will be nice meditative work. White rose in my garden is swaying gently next to a tall corn which grew there by chance from a lucky seed.

I still don't know with my whole being if I would do it all over again. But if going back in time and getting an clean exit chance would also mean losing the lessons that I have finally started to chew and swallow after choking on them for 2 years - going back to being the same cocky dude I used to be, then I would tie my shoes tight, sharpen my machete, bite my tongue and I would humbly do it all over again.

Because now I can face adversity and treat it like a friend- without arrogance and looking it straight in the eye, knowing that if it is meant to be, it will be done.

I can listen to a drunk man's rumbling or drag in traffic behind a crawling truck and not lose my patience.

I know how to hear an insult said in my back and let it slide instead of setting my fist lose.

I know how to convey orders without sounding arrogant.

I know how to face a situation that went against all my plans and not be frustrated, at least not that much (I used to shout in frustration!)

I know that nothing will be done in the time and manner that I was promised and I just understand it's part of the game. I accept it.

I know how to tell my workers that something wasn't done right in a way that they don't feel beaten up.

I know how to express my appreciation when it's not expected so it really lights one's heart.

I know how to have many responsibilities that I never used to have and not feel drowning in them anymore.

I know how to wake up in the morning and say “Thank you God this is the best day of my life” although there is nothing but endless work on the horizon.

I know how to slow down. Not check my phone. Play with my animals. Bless the bees and flowers.

I might even start to know how to forgive. A straight up betrayal, a crime. And not feel like a victim anymore. It is all a hidden gift necessary for the slow softening of my heart.

In brief- I sometimes even know how to let go. And more than anything- I know how to smile.

Life in a Mexican village that I once called “the butthole of the Universe”, and building a dream that came out of my heart, was hijacked by my grandiose ego and through pain and loss slowly started going back in the right order of things has made me more of a man than a lifetime of roaming around Earth looking to fill the hole in my heart with teachings, people, achievements and addictions (pain coping mechanisms).

Thinking about it now. I'd gladly do it all over again.

May Gaia be Reborn.